The Wheatsheaf

Let's go to the Wheatsheaf.

Let's travel back 60 years.

Three generations of the Ingram family have been landlords here since 1879.

While three generations of my family have called it their local.

The rattle of dominoes,

"123 never won a game"

"15 for 2 and one for his nob"

"Town did well Saturday"

"Another pint, please, Dennis"

See Jabber Bunce

Named for the speed of his speech.

Unintelligible except to his friends and expert practitioners of Morse code.

He is arguing with the Colonel.

Whose claim of a leg lost in the war is as false as the leg —

They are disputing that the Earl of Bathurst has the tallest box hedge in England.

After closing time, they will drive 15 miles to Cirencester

and knock on the door of the stately home to resolve the dispute.

See Collar

We don't know whether he has a short neck or a tall collar.

He lives alone in his cottage, where

Part of his garden used to be a graveyard.

But he's not always alone —

"I saw the Devil. Sat on the end of me bed. Wore a top hat, had a red forked tail."

"Come on Dennis, let's have the tape."

We all know the sequence.

My father will sing "I'm the Sheikh of Araby"

and we will chorus "With his boots on, kicking up the dust"

As he does a Wilson, Keppel and Betty sand dance.

Mum will sing "Pride of our Alley"

"Sally, Sally" she encourages us as a West Country Gracie Fields.

Drifting further North from Gracie's Lancashire she will belong to Glasgie

And stop at Mother Kelly's doorstep

Before moving on to Break the Bank at Monte Carlo.

She will meet Burlington Bertie

And promise that we will look neat on a bicycle made for two.

My turn now, but only as a straight man to Mum.

"Climb upon my knee, Sonny boy —

Though you're only three, Sonny boy"

And even though I am twenty something, I climb upon her knee.

Looking like a grotesque ventriloquist's dummy

As I await my lines in her finale.

"There's no way of knowing, there's no way of showing,

What you mean to me …"

I say "What's my name"

And the pub yell "Sonny boy!"

Then as a family we tell everyone that "Ours is a nice house"

We hail "Hello! Hello!" and ask, "Who's your lady friend?"

Only to segue into "Sons of the sea, bobbing up and down like this".

We lament the loss of our love to Antonio, the ice cream seller,

And threaten revenge.

But we assure Joshua that he is sweeter than lemon squash, you are.

"Last orders, please, Ladies and Gentlemen."

Dennis, the quiet, gentlemanly landlord,

Starts to collect the empties.

"Come on, Dennis, give us a song"

Slowly, he puts down the glasses.

Stands tall, shoulders back.

What will it be tonight?

"An old-fashioned lady" in honour of his mother —

"But deep in my heart, there's a sweet memory

Of someone who still holds attractions for me"

Or "The Volunteer Organist" —

"Each eye shed tears within that church, the strongest men grew pale;

The organist in melody had told his own life's tale."

Perhaps it will be "Two Little Girls in Blue" —

"An old man gazed at a photograph,

in a locket he'd worn for years."